Spiderman 3, brain bleaching doesnt work...

One of my friends dragged me to see Spiderman 3 a couple of days ago, ive tried pouring bleach into my ears in the vain hope it would wash my brain clean of its filth, alas no luck, so instead im going to try to expunge the bad taste it left in my brain by telling you all about it.

It all starts out pretty promisingly, bit of backstory, bit of Kirsten Dunst and then things go horribly wrong. Apparently top secret particle accelerators are now kept behind low chain link fences a short jog away from the suburbs, or at least they are in this movie. In one of the movies numerous sub-plots we see an escaped convict running from the police accidently slip over a fence headfirst into a highly dangerous particle accelerator. As if that wasnt bad enough the scientists running the accelerator obviously think the middle of the night is a good time to start faffing around with particles. So the unlucky convict is now trapped in a pit, facing what seems to be a certain grisly death involving lots of high tech looking lasery things and flashing blue lights. But no, whats this, he's not dead, he may have just been disintergrated into a billion tiny pieces but the plucky bugger has somehow managed to survive... admitedley as a sand monster, but surviving at all is something he deserves a slap on the back for.

Spidey's gone all emo...

So what's Mr convicts first move after being turned into a man made of sand? Well it seems he needs some money to get his sick daughter hospital treatment. So does he go on tour as the worlds first sand man? No he decides to rob a bank. Cue spidey and a nice long action sequence in which things a'splode all over the shop.

Its this kind of shoddy thinking that permeates through the entire Spiderman 3 experience, strange decisions being made for no apparent reason other than it will fill up another 10 minutes. Around 20 minutes of the film is spent doing absoluteley nothing except procrastinate, i want those 20 minutes back, i could have spent them being blissfully unaware of the crap that was about to be thrust into my face.

And then for some reason in the middle of the film tobey maguire decides to do a solo re-enactment of West Side Story, dont ask me why, im as baffled as the next man. After he's got that out of his system theres only 20 mins left so Sam Raimi (the director) decided to just throw every storyline he could think of at the film and hoped to god it would all make sense. This includes a bit part character being randomly turned into Venom and then killed within 10 mins. And one of the baddies deciding he wasnt so bad after all, but was instead spidermans best mate, oh, and then he dies too.

Venom, oooo Scarwey. Or would be if he lasted more than 10 minutes.

This post is already far too long but i do have to make special mention of the best actor in the movie. Bruce Campbell's cameo is genuinley funny and is probably the best bit of the film.