Everyone knows a few phobias, Arachnophobia - the fear of spiders, or Agoraphobia - the fear of open spaces, but im guessing not many of you have heard of Alektorophobia- the fear of chickens or Proctophobia- the fear of rectums. I feel compelled to sympathise with any Proctophobics out there, it can’t be a happy life, being constantly afraid of yours and everyone else's arsehole. Neither can the life of a Cathisophobic be very enjoyable, imagine being afraid of sitting down.

Where has all this phobia related nonsense come from I hear u cry? Well I was watching QI on "Dave", yes a TV channel called “Dave” is stupid and they should all have their testicles chewed on by rabid dogs for 3 hours. Anyway I was watching QI when Alan Davis mentioned a website called www.phobialist.com, my pc was close at hand and I proceeded to have a poke about. Some of them are just silly though, im not sure I know anyone who isn’t a Carcinophobic, that’s someone who's afraid of cancer btw, or an Agliophobic, someone who is afraid of pain.

A small prize will be awarded to the person who finds a phobia funnier than Arachibutyrophobia- Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth, and posts it in a comment, im not in any rush so the closing date is Christmas, when everyone will have forgotten.

The Orange Box

Okiedokie, brand new box of orange goodness = brand new post by lemming. I was going to write a rather long winded review about the orange box, going into detail about all the bits that make me cackle manically with pleasure. However it seems the nice Mr. Yahtzee from escapistmagazine.com has already nailed the review which leaves me free to pick my nose and carefully sort what comes out by size, colour and squidgy goodness while you all watch the 2 minute video review below.


Click here if u want to see the rest of the reviews by Yahtzee, i particularly recommend the Halo3 review, which is bang on target.

Pirates Of The Caribbean: At Worlds End

"Meh" is a strong word, and its not completeley appropriate to use when describing PotC3, but only just. A couple of things elevate the film above "mehness". Johnny Depp is amazing as usual, he's great at playing a looney, several looneys in fact, because in this chapter of the story Captain Jack Sparrow has gone a bit loopy...er. His desent into madness is illustrated by lots of versions of himself talking to one another or sometimes clucking like chickens at one another. He also seems to have aquired a strange facination with licking things, things like rocks, crabs or human brains.

Would i sex them up?

No. Yes. If I was really drunk

The other factor that kept the film above the "meh" level is the set pieces, they are quite simply spectacular, this is thanks mostly to some jaw dropping CGI. Crazy squidmen prance around all over the shop and whirpools form in the middle of the sea, you know, like they do in real life all the time...

If you look past the CGI however and take a peak at the actual plot you will probably wish you hadnt. Its a tangled mess of storylines, some from the past films and some they just randomly invented. Keira Knightly being crowned king of the pirates for instance. Not only is it anatomically incorrect because i believe she is in fact a queen, but it gives her an excuse to make long dramatic speeches about courage and honour which she is not very good at. I felt like i was being screeched at my my granny and not in the least bit did i feel like going to kick some big naval marine jobby's in the face.

This doesnt need a caption...

Speaking of kicking things, there is one person it would give me great pleasure to kick in the face. Orlando Bloom is not a good actor, he has one expression for every situation and its one of boredom. He doesnt seem to grasp the basics of acting, like when you are supposed to be madly in love with someone, you dont look at them like thier something you scraped of the bottom of your shoe. If Keira knightly was stood in front of me waiting for a kiss, it would take 3 seconds for me to be clamped on her face so hard you'd need a crowbar to remove me. Mr Bloom on the other hand couldnt give a toss, he'd rather stare vacantly into space while he waits for the next line of the script to shuffle into the front of his brain so he can murder it.

"So its agreed, we wait for Bloom after shooting and kick 7 kinds of crap outta him"

Anyway enough Bloom bashing, i wont go on any longer because most of you will probably go see this at some point and i dont want to ruin the story for you. Ill finish with a Rodent Rating (catchy isnt it).

Lemmy gives Pirates of the Caribbean: At Worlds End - 3 out of 5 Rodents:

That poor futon...

While browsing the interwebs today i stumbled across what is quite possibly one of the most disturbing things ive ever seen. Im sure lots of you have heard about the london street gangs who use Youtube to broadcast thier rage to the world. Well ive found a gang who use Youtube to broadcast thier love of furniture to the world. This isnt "love" as in "Yo dawg i love furniture" its love as in "Yo dawg, im gonna hump this couch". A picture is worth a thousand words, so ill let the movie speak for itself:



If you enjoyed that check the guys at weebls-stuff.com's response video here

I found an awesome site and felt compelled to share it with the world. Everyone remembers lolcats.com and im sure everyone laments its loss. Well lament no more! I give to you www.icanhascheezburger.com this site is genius because it covers more than just cats. Heres one to wet your appetite.

Today, i met Jesus...

OK so it wasn't the actual Jesus, but he was pretty damn awesome. Every two weeks i am forced by the government to go to a chav infested building in order to sign my name on a piece of cardboard, then they give me moneys. So i assumed this time would be no different, i would mooch in, being careful not to make eye contact and trying to hide any valuables i happen to be carrying, i would sign my name, and scarper. However today was different, while waiting for my name to be called i noticed a man in full motorcycle leathers and a helmet pacing up and down muttering to him self. I was about to dismiss him as one of the usual crazy's you are bound to run into in this type of place, when he took his helmet off and 4 meters of scraggly unkempt hair fell out. Not only was his hair down to his knees, he had a beard you could lose a cat in and a hole where one of his eyes should have been. I was stunned, he looked like a pirate with a leather obsession. When one of the clerks sidled up to him with a piece of paper, he screamed something unintelligible at him, snatched the paper and stomped off.

Lemmy's Choon's

Some of the more observant of you may have noticed the neon blue thingy at the side of the page. This is my way of sneakily trying to convert you all to the ways of indie rock. At this point i could start extolling the virtues of my favourite kind of music, and you could all sit there being bored out of your skulls. Or you could quit being so narrow minded and try something new. Anyone who knows me, would be telling me to go shove this post up my bum right about now, coz im probably one of the most stubborn and closed minded people in the world. Doesnt matter if you have indisputable proof backed up by the country's top scientists, i aint gonna admit im wrong. But for now lets forget about that, just click the damn songs!