Everyone knows a few phobias, Arachnophobia - the fear of spiders, or Agoraphobia - the fear of open spaces, but im guessing not many of you have heard of Alektorophobia- the fear of chickens or Proctophobia- the fear of rectums. I feel compelled to sympathise with any Proctophobics out there, it can’t be a happy life, being constantly afraid of yours and everyone else's arsehole. Neither can the life of a Cathisophobic be very enjoyable, imagine being afraid of sitting down.

Where has all this phobia related nonsense come from I hear u cry? Well I was watching QI on "Dave", yes a TV channel called “Dave” is stupid and they should all have their testicles chewed on by rabid dogs for 3 hours. Anyway I was watching QI when Alan Davis mentioned a website called www.phobialist.com, my pc was close at hand and I proceeded to have a poke about. Some of them are just silly though, im not sure I know anyone who isn’t a Carcinophobic, that’s someone who's afraid of cancer btw, or an Agliophobic, someone who is afraid of pain.

A small prize will be awarded to the person who finds a phobia funnier than Arachibutyrophobia- Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth, and posts it in a comment, im not in any rush so the closing date is Christmas, when everyone will have forgotten.

The Orange Box

Okiedokie, brand new box of orange goodness = brand new post by lemming. I was going to write a rather long winded review about the orange box, going into detail about all the bits that make me cackle manically with pleasure. However it seems the nice Mr. Yahtzee from escapistmagazine.com has already nailed the review which leaves me free to pick my nose and carefully sort what comes out by size, colour and squidgy goodness while you all watch the 2 minute video review below.


Click here if u want to see the rest of the reviews by Yahtzee, i particularly recommend the Halo3 review, which is bang on target.

Pirates Of The Caribbean: At Worlds End

"Meh" is a strong word, and its not completeley appropriate to use when describing PotC3, but only just. A couple of things elevate the film above "mehness". Johnny Depp is amazing as usual, he's great at playing a looney, several looneys in fact, because in this chapter of the story Captain Jack Sparrow has gone a bit loopy...er. His desent into madness is illustrated by lots of versions of himself talking to one another or sometimes clucking like chickens at one another. He also seems to have aquired a strange facination with licking things, things like rocks, crabs or human brains.

Would i sex them up?

No. Yes. If I was really drunk

The other factor that kept the film above the "meh" level is the set pieces, they are quite simply spectacular, this is thanks mostly to some jaw dropping CGI. Crazy squidmen prance around all over the shop and whirpools form in the middle of the sea, you know, like they do in real life all the time...

If you look past the CGI however and take a peak at the actual plot you will probably wish you hadnt. Its a tangled mess of storylines, some from the past films and some they just randomly invented. Keira Knightly being crowned king of the pirates for instance. Not only is it anatomically incorrect because i believe she is in fact a queen, but it gives her an excuse to make long dramatic speeches about courage and honour which she is not very good at. I felt like i was being screeched at my my granny and not in the least bit did i feel like going to kick some big naval marine jobby's in the face.

This doesnt need a caption...

Speaking of kicking things, there is one person it would give me great pleasure to kick in the face. Orlando Bloom is not a good actor, he has one expression for every situation and its one of boredom. He doesnt seem to grasp the basics of acting, like when you are supposed to be madly in love with someone, you dont look at them like thier something you scraped of the bottom of your shoe. If Keira knightly was stood in front of me waiting for a kiss, it would take 3 seconds for me to be clamped on her face so hard you'd need a crowbar to remove me. Mr Bloom on the other hand couldnt give a toss, he'd rather stare vacantly into space while he waits for the next line of the script to shuffle into the front of his brain so he can murder it.

"So its agreed, we wait for Bloom after shooting and kick 7 kinds of crap outta him"

Anyway enough Bloom bashing, i wont go on any longer because most of you will probably go see this at some point and i dont want to ruin the story for you. Ill finish with a Rodent Rating (catchy isnt it).

Lemmy gives Pirates of the Caribbean: At Worlds End - 3 out of 5 Rodents:

That poor futon...

While browsing the interwebs today i stumbled across what is quite possibly one of the most disturbing things ive ever seen. Im sure lots of you have heard about the london street gangs who use Youtube to broadcast thier rage to the world. Well ive found a gang who use Youtube to broadcast thier love of furniture to the world. This isnt "love" as in "Yo dawg i love furniture" its love as in "Yo dawg, im gonna hump this couch". A picture is worth a thousand words, so ill let the movie speak for itself:



If you enjoyed that check the guys at weebls-stuff.com's response video here

I found an awesome site and felt compelled to share it with the world. Everyone remembers lolcats.com and im sure everyone laments its loss. Well lament no more! I give to you www.icanhascheezburger.com this site is genius because it covers more than just cats. Heres one to wet your appetite.

Today, i met Jesus...

OK so it wasn't the actual Jesus, but he was pretty damn awesome. Every two weeks i am forced by the government to go to a chav infested building in order to sign my name on a piece of cardboard, then they give me moneys. So i assumed this time would be no different, i would mooch in, being careful not to make eye contact and trying to hide any valuables i happen to be carrying, i would sign my name, and scarper. However today was different, while waiting for my name to be called i noticed a man in full motorcycle leathers and a helmet pacing up and down muttering to him self. I was about to dismiss him as one of the usual crazy's you are bound to run into in this type of place, when he took his helmet off and 4 meters of scraggly unkempt hair fell out. Not only was his hair down to his knees, he had a beard you could lose a cat in and a hole where one of his eyes should have been. I was stunned, he looked like a pirate with a leather obsession. When one of the clerks sidled up to him with a piece of paper, he screamed something unintelligible at him, snatched the paper and stomped off.

Lemmy's Choon's

Some of the more observant of you may have noticed the neon blue thingy at the side of the page. This is my way of sneakily trying to convert you all to the ways of indie rock. At this point i could start extolling the virtues of my favourite kind of music, and you could all sit there being bored out of your skulls. Or you could quit being so narrow minded and try something new. Anyone who knows me, would be telling me to go shove this post up my bum right about now, coz im probably one of the most stubborn and closed minded people in the world. Doesnt matter if you have indisputable proof backed up by the country's top scientists, i aint gonna admit im wrong. But for now lets forget about that, just click the damn songs!

Spiderman 3, brain bleaching doesnt work...

One of my friends dragged me to see Spiderman 3 a couple of days ago, ive tried pouring bleach into my ears in the vain hope it would wash my brain clean of its filth, alas no luck, so instead im going to try to expunge the bad taste it left in my brain by telling you all about it.

It all starts out pretty promisingly, bit of backstory, bit of Kirsten Dunst and then things go horribly wrong. Apparently top secret particle accelerators are now kept behind low chain link fences a short jog away from the suburbs, or at least they are in this movie. In one of the movies numerous sub-plots we see an escaped convict running from the police accidently slip over a fence headfirst into a highly dangerous particle accelerator. As if that wasnt bad enough the scientists running the accelerator obviously think the middle of the night is a good time to start faffing around with particles. So the unlucky convict is now trapped in a pit, facing what seems to be a certain grisly death involving lots of high tech looking lasery things and flashing blue lights. But no, whats this, he's not dead, he may have just been disintergrated into a billion tiny pieces but the plucky bugger has somehow managed to survive... admitedley as a sand monster, but surviving at all is something he deserves a slap on the back for.

Spidey's gone all emo...

So what's Mr convicts first move after being turned into a man made of sand? Well it seems he needs some money to get his sick daughter hospital treatment. So does he go on tour as the worlds first sand man? No he decides to rob a bank. Cue spidey and a nice long action sequence in which things a'splode all over the shop.

Its this kind of shoddy thinking that permeates through the entire Spiderman 3 experience, strange decisions being made for no apparent reason other than it will fill up another 10 minutes. Around 20 minutes of the film is spent doing absoluteley nothing except procrastinate, i want those 20 minutes back, i could have spent them being blissfully unaware of the crap that was about to be thrust into my face.

And then for some reason in the middle of the film tobey maguire decides to do a solo re-enactment of West Side Story, dont ask me why, im as baffled as the next man. After he's got that out of his system theres only 20 mins left so Sam Raimi (the director) decided to just throw every storyline he could think of at the film and hoped to god it would all make sense. This includes a bit part character being randomly turned into Venom and then killed within 10 mins. And one of the baddies deciding he wasnt so bad after all, but was instead spidermans best mate, oh, and then he dies too.

Venom, oooo Scarwey. Or would be if he lasted more than 10 minutes.

This post is already far too long but i do have to make special mention of the best actor in the movie. Bruce Campbell's cameo is genuinley funny and is probably the best bit of the film.

Lessons in Gaming

Right, anyone who knows me knows that gaming is basically my life, sad i know but meh. So i figure seen as i play more games than any sane person should it is my public duty to share my gaming wisdom with the world. So here it comes:

• Lesson 1: Dont ever start playing an MMO, they are time sinks that steal your life while you could be out doing healthy things like playing frisbee or mating with whatever member of the opposite sex happens to be at hand.

• Lesson 2: If you ignore lesson 1 which i know millions of you already have, then i have this advice. Buy a decent Headset with a mic. Find some dudes who play the same MMO. Trick them into downloading some voice over IP software (Ventrilo, Teamspeak, Skype). Now cackle manically at them, they are now your gaming slaves and must help you in game in any way they can.

• Lesson 3: Do not under any circumstance locate your PC close to a food source, if you become addicted to gaming as i have the only exercise you will be getting is the walk to the fridge. If its within a few meters of your PC say goodbye to your penis, coz you aint gonna see it for a long time.

New Blog

I have absolutley no idea why ive started a blog, i havnt got anything interesting to say at the best of times and the thought of documenting what go's on in my head gives me the willy's. Plus im pretty sure some of the stuff that go's on in my head is illegeal and i probably shouldnt share it with the world. Im extremley tempted to go off on some long rant about shoving sporks into walrus's orifices, but i figure if i do that im elimating around half of my potential readership, the walrus loving half. So instead im gonna write about whatever the hell pops into my head next.